"Prepare to be amazed, Mr. Mudd," said the salesman. "Encyclopedia Tobacco Leaf has the advantage of both filling your bookshelves, and being the latest very cool thing among the kids these days."
"Grumble, grumble," said Brian's father, who was swollen in pain from the day's root canal. He quit smoking fourteen days ago.
"Think about it, Mr. Mudd," said the salesman. "Encyclopedia Tobacco Leaf are not cigarettes. But they make you feel just as good. Watch the haunting effect volume C to Ch has on this mouse. Tearing at its own fur. Pressing its face and exposed skin to the nicotine-rich tobacco paper. Enjoying the delicious flavor of Encyclopedia Tobacco Leaf. And yes, all without a single drag."
"Hmm," said Brian's father.
"That's enough," said Brian. "You won't make any sales here and you should go now."
"What?" said the salesman. "Why? Don't you see I provide a valuable service? I can fill your bookshelves and stock the cocoon of your home with a habit-forming anti-depressant, smoke and prescription free."
"We don't owe you a reason why we won't buy from you," said Brian. "Also, your mouse seems to have stopped breathing."
"Gale," said the salesman. "Breathe, Gale. Gosh darn it, breathe." Mrs. Mudd returned home in time to witness the salesman resuscitate Gale, mouth to mouse.