Thirteen

"Why yes, Brian," said Mr. Bannister, who answered his door. "What can I do for you?"

"Help me, Mr. Bannister," said Brian. "You're my only hope. Circus dolts have taken my parents hostage."

"Oh," said Mr. Bannister. "Dolts you say? That must demoralize you."

"I know it must sound strange," said Brian. "That dog I found ran away from a circus. Those numskulls want him back."

"Your parents were taken hostage over a dog?" said Mr. Bannister. "That seems a bit obsessive."

"Oh, I know it must sound silly," said Brian. "To say my parents have been kidnapped over a dog. But, you see, this dog talks."

"Of course," said Mr. Bannister. "No performing half-wit would hesitate to take hostages to recover a talking dog. Why, your heart must be beating like a hummingbird's. Why don't you stay and calm yourself over a slice of pie?"

"Even so," said Brian. "You must be wondering why I don't just return the dog."

"All I can imagine is you have a perfectly reasonable story," said Mr. Bannister. "My guess is your pulse is around one hundred eighty. Why don't you step inside for carrot cake and a good cry?"

"You see," said Brian. "I yelled at the dog. For brushing his teeth. And he ran away."

"Oh, you shouldn't blame yourself, young man," said Mr. Bannister. "Before you lose your eye tracking completely, perhaps you should refresh yourself with some home fermented beer."

"Pies? Cake? Beer?" said Brian. "Mr. Bannister, you sound like a happy Christmas ghost. Are you teasing me?"

"Tease you?" said Mr. Bannister. "I offer you a treat. What does your refusal have to do with that strange banana-boy business you participate in? Perhaps you would prefer a banana bread."

"You," said Brian, who tracked the phone to the pantry and to Spot. "This must be your fault. Fix the Bannister baby."

"Monsieur le Brian," said Spot. "I break no Bannister babies."

"Its Majesty Spot is right, young feller," said the bewhiskered fairy in Spot's company. "The theft of that Bannister baby weren't the fault of Its Majesty. Some foolish human gave the baby's name to my daughters, Blanche and Jadis Belle. Now they gone and swapped for him my nephew Sticky David Pennyfarthing, whom you should not confuse with my other nephew Sticky David Earl Pennyfarthing."

"What?" said Brian.

"Even if that Mr. Bannister feller hadn't strapped on the old enchanted feed bag," said the fairy. "Why, even if he ain't bloated his self all tranquil, there ain't nothing no one can do to get that baby back. That's a rule. No fairy got to take back kin when a human give us the baby's name."

"Our misfortunes are most severe," said Spot. "Our challenges most daunting. Our circumstances most tragic. The diapers Monsieur le New Baby soils taste of damnation. Monsieur le Brian, do you know Monsieur le Sweaty Pete? He is what they call a coupon fairy. And, of course, we must go."

"Where?" said Brian. "Where do you think you're going?"

"To complete the King of the World crowning," said Spot. "I must follow the broadcaster instructions to wait at the home of Monsieur le Brian."

"We'll go home alright," said Brian. "But not to make you any kind of king. When I bring you back, those nincompoops will let go of my parents. Then we'll figure out how to snap Mr. Bannister out of his spell and return his baby. Then you can go back to whatever sideshow you escaped from."